doing U2 Vertigo Sunday 12-06-09

vertigo

I hate it when I am affected. When I am stressed and want to punch a freaking hole in the wall, or when I am fully aware that I have too much on my plate or it hits me I need to be a responsible person and all I really want to do is selfish stuff I don’t have time for; one of two things always tends to happen. Either I will crack to the ego be a man, be all hard, say something I’ll regret as soon as it has left my lips, OR I’ll feel the pressure know I need to deal with it, not deal with it hear a sappy song and cry.
I have been trying to be strong, trying to ward off feeling of wanting to quit wanting to give up, wanting to pack my bags and head for the ‘Ozark’ hills even though I know there is nothing there for me. Trying to please the list of people I want to think highly of me. Trying to be a good husband, Papi, friend, employee, volunteer, citizen, driver, drummer, leader, energy conserver, home owner, decision maker, recruiter, spreadsheet compiler, and graphic designer all while watching my portions and sugar intake. I feel like I am failing at least 50% of my list at least 50% of the time. The one thing I am afraid of is failing. I know I haven’t been given more than I can bear, just not very good at asking for help. Not help from any of you; I am talking over you now.
So sitting at my desk this morning, not well, I asked for something. Some release, a sappy song, some Celine Dion, Some help. Please give me something to help me push through this most stressful of weeks.
Get ready to hear Zach laughing all the way from Santa B.
OK so Mercy Me has this song I heard while shopping at Marshalls for nothing the other day.
Watch the video and then picture me feeling sorry for myself with my office door closed having what I like to refer to as a shower moment. As in – get out of here I am cleaning myself and there is nothing flattering about this.
Have a good laugh. I feel better.

I believe in being myself and being real and letting the chips fall where they may. Not on the carpet because they can leave grease spots. I like individuality, but I’d still buy a silver Toyota and blend into the fray. Maybe even listen to the Fray. I’d say buy American but I wouldn’t. I moved away and the idea of disappearing and not disappointing was so refreshing. No one knows D.C. here and expects me to be him. HA jokes on me. The islands are looking more appealing all the time. that is not a threat. i don’t threaten. it is just an observation.

I hate feeling sick to my stomach over the thought i have let you down.

So I swear I am going to start some blogging again.
My lasts two posts I went back and read and good lord I seem to be depressed.
I swear I am not.
I still have not had that vacation I was pining for so much. And I still have this plate that is too full of things that some of you are getting dropped off and left out. I swear it is not on purpose.
Here is a quick update of things that have been going on. Jade is freaking amazing. Pulling herself up and looking at you like ha, and one day I will be bigger than you too dad. (She has a ways to go) she is to coolest baby ever. Inspiring women of child bearing age everywhere to have one just like her. Good luck. I don’t know if you will be able to her momma is pretty amazing as well.
First father’s day was pretty cool. The girls gave Papi soccer shoes. Don’t play soccer I watch it and now when I watch it I can do it in cleats. Just kidding they are not cleats but I am going to wear them while watching soccer I swear this to you.
First Scott then Zach then Phillip and Now Eli have deserted me. I’ll kill the next friend who moves away. Got that? Yeah that’s right if I cain’t have you aint no body gon’ haven you. If you say that a jealous redneck husband beating on the side of a rusty old truck it really sounds funny. I have a rusty old truck and I have a gun to you sons of bitches and if I have to load another U-Haul it is on. I am kidding but not about being tired of loosing friends to Californiacation
Chris got married Saturday! Congrats Chris and Laura.

Chris and Laura

Big pimppin in the cream colored suit.

Mom and dad came down for a visit and I am still sleep deprived and the Fox logo is burned into the bottom of my TV screen.
Josh and Dara are on their way as we speak to see us and I can’t wait. I have this neighbor guy who was asking about a van with MO plates in my drive way and he was saying oh your family came to visit you a then made this screwed up face. I thought how sad, Here is a older single gay man still very closeted and so objectionable he can’t stand family or any visitors he told me. His house is larger than mine what do you keep in that place Frank, News paper clippings? And way I was like um yeah my family is awesome. He made some joke about Arkansas and I was un-neighborly. I turned around and walked off and while walking away refitted my iPod ear buds and started cutting the lawn again. Of all the nerve; I wanted to say something I wanted to but I kept my cool.
My old Friend Seth found me via twitter. Catching up has been a pleasant experience.
We have two weeks before we move into our new church facilities. 6 years in the works, I am so glad. That is a major understatement. My only regret is that all who started this journey won’t be here to celebrate in this milestone with us. So much hard work has went into this deal, and I think it is all going to be worth the effort.
Um Um what else.
Oh, I have started writing some stupid little shorts. We’ll see. They may see the light of day or the light cathode rays or your computer monitor if you come back to this address.
Ok
And I think that is it. Hasten the arrival of Josh , Dara, Ana, and Colin. I am ready to Party!
Cheers!

I am not having a productive week, and face book has taken up a ton of those little insignificant things that I say on here. Daine is …

READY FOR a day by the pool or something.
I found my self whispering out of the car window at people in town while I was out for lunch. People who were just having a nice day off and enjoying them selves, I would whisper “I wont that” like the lady to her timid husband while uncle Rico unloads Tupperware on them.

I am jealous of Zach and his Disney trip even though that would be near the last of things I would want to do. Go to an amusement park with family.
I love them and all but when think get away I think really getting away from stuff and being out in the wilderness somewhere. Some where when you get home you Google earths it and think how the heck I even got there.
Was that beach really that long, or wow there really wasn’t anything over that next ridge. What ever floats your boat I guess?
The idea of a day where I had nothing to do if I didn’t want would be nice

I need something but I don’t know what.
I am having one of those times where everything is going fine and then one small insignificant thing will piss me off. Or I’ll be doing fine and then I’ll do some thing and piss some one else off.
I must have a problem. Oh and what is weird is the same people are the ones continually who spark this frustration.
I can’t do anything about it either if I say something chances are slim it would be in the right spirit and taken as well. I think I need a vacation. My shoulders are all bunched up, and I feel like so much less of a person due to this problem. I can’t tell any one about it specifically only you my dear readers in vast swaths of ambiguity.

I love you all even when I am breaking my teeth clamping down on my leather coaster.

You know that serenity prayer? “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.
Amen. –Reinhold Niebuhr

Remember that? Or maybe I just get more random prayer request emails thank you because it is supposed that my karma is as pure and honest as smooth and creamy processed cheese. Any way I was thinking about that to day, no the whole deal about living one day at a time and all that non-sense, but “the accept what I can’t change” and “courage to change things that are well with in my control”. And really in life that is more what I need than anything. I am afraid to the most retarded most insignificant things. We need to spray the house for ants and spiders and that has me freaking out. I don’t want the baby to breathe anything that will harm her, but want to not have a spider bite her. what to do ? what to do?

I feel so scattered some times and so hyper stressed I have been looking at was to better focus and calm my nerves. I thought about smoking but then there’s the smell and cancer yeah yeah. Some hippie at work suggested Pot but then there is the smell and the cops and the cost and the jail time and yeah it is just not worth it. I pray for the serenity but I feel as if I am George Costanza’s father yelling “SERENITY NOW” and it is not working. The question is; is there a time when I can pray for something having little or no faith and that be OK? I can’t find where it is. Faith is the key ingredient and if you are low on faith you are s-o-l. This feeling makes me think what is the use? I am a rat, in a cage, a hamster on my wheel, a dog on the track chasing the ever elusive rabbit, around and around.
And though I know I know that I know I really do have a hope (and not just the Brand that is ever so popular by Barak Obama’s t-shirts.) I wish I could turn my hope into faith. I need to turn my futures trading into cold hard coin.

I am always saying things I don’t want to.

Things that are just straight up dumb.

Yesterday, new couple. He went to same seminary, thought the same course. I said I did not finish because I did not think I could get a good enough job until I was old and had gray hair. DUMB.

why? what for?

Getting gifts is the hardest thing to do. I can give them all day long. Gifts of money hard earned and time and attention and listening ear and what ever you need I can dish it out. But Man oh Man I have a hard time getting stuff.
We just had a baby shower yesterday and so many people bought us the coolest things ever and I am so thankful for it all. I tried to thank every one and let them know how really grateful I am, we are, for all of the things. I critique my self I say think you and then I think oh that didn’t sound sincere enough because I really am thankful.
Pet peeve of mine and there are more and more as I age, but a big pet peeve is when some one Thanks insincerely. I have a friend I help ALL THE TIME and he used to say thank you like it was something he was required to say and I would get so pissed off. I was like man you could care less, you really could. One of these days I wanna just not show up when you need me and leave you butt high and dry and then we’ll see yeah huh? Then we’ll really know what’s up. But then I am glad this rant just went on in my head and didn’t come out my mouth. I tell my self yeah see on some twisted level you are doing what you do for you Daine. It has nothing to do with helping others really. You are sick and twisted and the only way to love your self is through personal sacrifice.
My friend has gotten better at sounding like he means it when he thanks me.  But it s still a peeve of mine, and I wanted to make sure I did not sound like a spoiled child being asked what I wanted for supper. I think this is the main reason it is hard to get gifts. That and I know how much all this crap costs. I scanned every thin on the list and I am like seriously don’t spend money, gas is too expensive and you’ll gonna need it. I thought about what I scanned on the registry too. What do I scan? What do I scan? I should only scan the things we really need. Not exaggerated and or expensive gadgets and yes where have you been under a rock? They have ALL KINDS of expensive gadgets for babies these days. Not necessarily for babies but for their parents. So I tried not to go to far over board and stuff but still felt like I was overdoing it by the end. I keep saying to my self “no the baby does not need this thing (what ever it is). Will the baby die if it does not have this thing? No. and all the millions of babies in the world have lived with out it, she’ll be fine.

This kind of thing in addition to all the regular pre parenthood anxiety are what make these dark circles and bags under my eyes.
A lady at work today said wow you look like you have a good weekend. I said um what do you mean? She said dear have you seen your face.
I was thinking to my self was I smiling too much, I mean my parents are in tow n and we did see Betty and Matt on their move over the weekend but that was pretty sedate. She said No you just look tired, you look like you have been hit with a Mack truck.
I wanted to punch her in the front teeth but I just buried it and went on to my office with my coffee, thinking I will leverage the contents of this cup in my favor, he he he.

Why does coffee make my tummy hurt?
Will all the baby crap fit in the MINI, or should we dump it for a RV?
Why don’t I know something about cousin’s baby?
Why am I anxious about mom and dad coming?
Why can we not decide on a first name for peanut?
What did my neighbor kid do to get arrested last nigh?
Were the cop’s jerks?
Do the parents think one of us turned him in?
Why does it make me happy to listen to Cuban music and smoke cigars and drive my old truck slowly.
I am like a fat version of my uncle Jerry who will indulge his senses every once in a while not deny them.